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 THE
THREE MOST SERIOUS PROBLEMS FACING MEN TODAY…
A TRILOGY
By:
Vince D’Acchioli
Breaking
the cycle of hopelessness
PROBLEM #1:
Men don't lack good information, so why is there so very little evidence
of real-life change?
WARNING:
This article will not change your life.
I would like
to start with a simple exercise. Would
you set this article down for just a minute and simply fold your hands?
Now, with hands folded I want you to notice which hand’s first
finger is on top. When I do
this with live audiences it always works out that 50% of the people fold
their hands like me—with the right hand’s first finger on top.
Now, reverse your position. How
does that feel? Weird?
Do you
understand why you fold your hands the way that you do?
The fact of the matter is that no one knows why.
You see it has nothing to do with being right or left handed—male
or female—right brain or left brain—Italian or just ordinary.
It happened when you were a little boy or girl and you put your
hands together that first time to copy mom or dad.
As you continued folding your hands over time you formed what is
commonly called a habit. That’s
it. It is that simple.
People who
study human behavior will tell you that you can change that habit and feel
just as comfortable folding your hands the opposite way if you will just
practice for about 20-30 days. They will also suggest something we do not like—you cannot
simply get rid of a habit or way of thinking by just wishing it away.
You must replace that old way with a new one.
The
Six Stages For Change
In over
thirty years of studying the dynamics of human behavior both in the
business and church community I have discovered a serious problem.
We anticipate that real
change in our life can occur with microwave speed.
We live in a world with an unprecedented amount of information and
tools, all of which are having little or no affect on our lives.
All of the elements for living a happy, secure and fulfilled life
are there. So, why are so
many people struggling?
I believe
that our insatiable appetite for a “quick fix,” and our false
expectations about the life-changing power of events, are at the core of
this serious problem. Please
don’t misunderstand me. Our
ministry conducts some of the finest events for men, couples and pastors
in the country. I believe in
events. However, I also have
come to understand the tension between expectation and reality.
Our lives do
not change simply because we attend an event, hear a good sermon or read a
great book. It would be nice
if it worked that way, but evidence suggests that much more is needed if
meaningful change is to take place in a person.
I believe that there are six stages we must go through before real
change can take place: EVENT,
AWARENESS, DECISION, COMMITMENT, PROCESS AND CHANGE.
Allow me to give further clarification to each.
Event
An event can
be anything from a PK rally to reading a book or article, a sermon or even
a wedding. My wife reminds me
that a wedding is an event, it’s not a marriage.
Most of us hope that the event itself will produce the desired
result. It would be quick and
painless. “Let’s get it
over with.” Unfortunately
it does not work that way. The
best an event can do is raise…
Awareness
Awareness
often happens as the result of an event.
I discover at a rally, seminar or by reading a book that I need to
get closer to God, pray with my spouse more, etc.
This realization then leads to my making a…
Decision
I decide to
do something about it. Here is a funny example that most of us can identify with.
It’s New Years Eve. That
is an EVENT. I have an AWARENESS that I am a little overweight and out of
shape. I make a DECISION that
starting tomorrow I am going to go on a diet and work out. New Years day finally arrives.
The guys are all over for the football games and my wife has made
chili and garlic bread. I say
to myself, “Well, I think I will start my diet tomorrow.”
Then tomorrow comes and something else gets in the way.
“Maybe Monday, that’s it, Monday would be good.”
Six months later my belt buckle still has an un-obscured view of my
shoes. Nothing has changed.
I call these
first three stages the cycle of hopelessness (see chart).
I believe that is where most of us live. In order to break out of this situation we must press forward
to the fourth stage…
Commitment
Commitment is
the bridge that, if crossed, can transform the old man into the new man.
You may want to look up the difference between decision and
commitment in the dictionary. It
is powerful. Commitment is
what it takes to enter into the most important and difficult stage of
all...
Process
Here is where
most of us struggle. What is process? It
is behavioral change over a period of time.
That means challenge and a level of intention that most of us are
unwilling to enter into.
I will never
forget when my dad bought me my first set of weights.
I could not wait to start pumping so I could look like that muscle
bound guy on the poster. I
went down stairs and lifted for about twenty minutes and then ripped off
my shirt and ran to the mirror to see the results.
“Give me a break—these weights are useless”.
At 14 I was already conditioned to look for the “quick fix,”
and I was quite ready to give up if the results were not on my time frame.
For the most
part, we are a people that are very impatient with anything having to do
with process. We do not want
to work for results if it means experiencing any kind of short-term
discomfort. We have become
what I like to call a “Microwave Generation,” filled with such
accelerants as steroids, rapid weight loss diets and get rich quick
schemes. We often look for
these same “quick fixes” to aid in our behavioral development.
What many of us fail to understand is that God is really more
interested in the process, the habits we form and the way we live, than in
any of our lofty goals.
The bottom
line here is that process is the only way to bring about lasting and
meaningful…
Change
The desired
result – an alteration in our behavior – a new and higher level of
maturity.
Starting
the process
Because
sometimes the process involved for change can be difficult we need others
who will pray, love and encourage us through it.
Once we are on the other side we will need others to hold us
accountable and help us maintain a steady course in order to stay
consistent. Here are some
practical ideas for you to consider and put into use:
Start
with Jesus
Ask God to
show you which area you need to work on first.
Pray every day that He will help you in the process.
(Our next article in this
series will focus on this important area)
Make
a list
List the
areas where you would like to see change in your life.
It might be an old habit like smoking or drinking to excess.
Perhaps you can’t find time to spend with God or you are
struggling with some form of sexual addiction.
Now, pick an
area of desired change that has a high priority, something that you have
had real difficulty with, and little success resolving.
Resist the temptation to choose low priority issues, which may
appear easier but not have the level of importance.
A smoking problem may not be as critical as a pornography habit.
Make a
commitment—not a decision
Remember what
we talked about earlier? Before
entering into this step, be sure to look up the difference between a
decision and a commitment in the dictionary.
A commitment involves every fiber of your being, persistently set
to a course of action. It
means having and working a plan.
Determine to be
patient
Remember that
change is a process that takes time.
Don’t become frustrated if your progress is slow as you are
moving ahead. Also, be
careful not to surround yourself with others who may not understand what
you are working through. They
may become impatient with you along the way.
Don’t go it
alone
Gal. 6:1-3
Brothers, if someone is
caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But
watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the
law of Christ.
And let us consider how we may spur one another on
toward love and good deeds.
Heb.
10:24
What’s
next?
In this
article I have been talking about how you and I, in our own strength, can
commit to a new course and experience a much better chance of seeing real
change in our life. However,
overcoming some old ways of thinking or behaving may be more difficult
than others. In my life I
have come to understand how limited I am in my own strength to bring about
real transformation. Yes,
this six-stage process is important and will work for most of us if we are
diligent.
But what if
an issue has such a powerful grip on your life that even this process
can’t impact it? I have
some great news for you. As
followers of Christ you and I can become partakers of a power, which when
combined with this process, will guarantee success.
With God, nothing is impossible!
In my next
article I will talk about how to appropriate the power of God in
your life. You will discover
how to move from simply knowing about God, to truly knowing Him at
a level that will affect your life at the deepest dimension.
Stay tuned!
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